A Journey in Discernment

Otherwise known as, "I don't know just what to do with myself"...

For several years now I've been trying to figure this out, and finding myself in the midst of another major life transition only amplifies this question.

Since I was teeny, I just knew that I wanted to be a teacher. I LOVED school. I loved learning, I loved the classroom, and I loved the rhythms of the school day. Such was my confidence in living a happy life as a teacher that I didn't even think about anything else. For a brief time in eighth grade, I considered a call to missions. I don't quite remember what happened to that, but it must've faded away...or something.

Anyway, I went to college and got my degree and became a teacher. For four years. It was simultaneously awful and wonderful. And after four years, which seemed more like forever, I left the classroom burnt out and ready to do anything but teach, which was good, I guess, since we moved to a place where the only job I could get was at an insurance call center. And now, I am certain that is at least one career path I can rule out. :)

So, a year and a half out of the classroom, I miss teaching. I miss the kids, I miss the activities, and truth be told, I miss dorky things like bulletin board border and charts. I miss the teacher store. I miss knowing that I'm making a difference every single day by providing a safe, happy place full of potential for a little one who may not have that anywhere else. And I miss being part of a profession full of the most brilliant, capable, and caring people in the world.

But also, I don't miss teaching. I don't miss the stress and the pressure. I don't miss the kids that bug me (you're not supposed to say that, but it's true) or the crazy parents calling me at all hours of the day. I don't miss the endless paperwork or expectations that no one can live up to or colleagues that both want and assure you that you are failing. And I know that there are schools and/or districts where I would have a very different teaching experience than those I've had before. I know, but I don't care, and I'm really not interested.

BUT, to teach or not to teach is not my only dilemma. For several years now, I've felt a yearning and stirring in my spirit for something more, which is not to say that I don't thinking teaching is something HUGELY important, because I do. I've been in those trenches, and I know what's involved and what's at stake. But I feel the weight and the pull of other issues that I think outweigh my desire to participate in public education. I truly wish that weren't the case, because teaching is what I know, what I sometimes love, and what I really love the idea of me doing forever. But if I'm honest, I think there's something else out there for me, and for several years, I've been trying to figure out what that is.

I've read, I've prayed, I've talked, I've looked at school programs, I've read, I've prayed, I've talked, and I've looked at other school programs...I'm really not closer to any definitive answers, but there is one thing that I've come back to for many months. The cry of my heart is to love and serve God above all else, to attune my ear to His voice and to live each day of my life listening and worshiping and obeying Him. And maybe that's leading me somewhere. I've been thinking about it for a long while now, but I've been very hesitant to say it. My voice doesn't feel very strong saying it, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I think maybe I'm being led to seminary. (I am proud to be a part of a denomination that both affirms women in ministry and also has a large population of women at its seminary! :) Maybe the reason I've been scared to say it is that I have absolutely no answer to the question of what I would do with a seminary degree.

BUT, here's what I do know. My heart cries out to know and to serve my God. I believe that growing in knowledge and love of God means living differently. What I want is to embark on a journey to learn how to do those things better and more deeply and for them to guide my life's work, and I think that seminary is a place for me to do that. And yes, I know that I can love and serve God without going to seminary. But some people should go, and I think maybe I'm one of them. And who cares if I don't have the "what for" figured out right now. Maybe that's the point of the journey. :)

So, that's where I'm at. To teach or not to teach...to go to seminary or not to go...Insurance dilemmas mean no kiddos for awhile, so I want to use this time well. For now, I'm gonna look for a job that will provide some income. I'm going to nurture the little hobbies I'm developing a passion for that are in some way a part of living differently in the world...things like gardening and making homemade cleaning products and recycled sewing projects. And, I'm going to do more listening and praying and thinking and talking and exploring. But, maybe I am a bit closer to figuring it all out.

Thanks for "listening".